beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Two words: blizzard sex
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize