my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
