i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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