My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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