Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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