i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
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