What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
