I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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