it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
