I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize