i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
