All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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