And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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