The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
