im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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