Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize