ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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