Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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