I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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