So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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