why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
