Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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