JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
