I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
