I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
