Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
if only i could text you this smell
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
