I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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