I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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