Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
