he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize