Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
