Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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