bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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