If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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