not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
