she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
