Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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