i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize