Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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