All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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