Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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