you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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