My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
