That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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