just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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