no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Found the puke drawer
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
