tonight lets celebrate not being married
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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