she woke up with a sticky ear
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize