I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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