I am spending my child support on dildos
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
