i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
