I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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