apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
