I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize