I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
