when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
