If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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