The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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