I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize