Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize